Monday, October 15, 2012

Remember

Today is an official day to remember. But I remember every day.



I thought of you every time I looked in the mirror. It's amazing how much faster the outwards signs show the second time around.

I picked out a shirt for your sister to wear to tell Daddy. It said "Big Sister" in bright pink glitter.

We happily wrote out our top names in sidewalk chalk in the back yard. It doesn't rain often here in the summer, so the names remained for quite a while before we hosed them off prior to having company. We didn't want to give it away. We had a girl name and a boy name ready from that list. We smiled when we spoke of them.

We brought your sister to the ultrasound. We wanted her to be as ready as possible to welcome you.

She wandered happily around the room as the doctor told us he couldn't find a heartbeat. 

He looked me in the eye and said that it could be too early and maybe I had calculated wrong.

But I knew.

I looked at my beloved's pale face and saw.

He knew.

While we were planning and dreaming, you had slipped away quietly to be with Jesus.

We waited a week to be sure. I wondered if my body would figure out that you weren't growing.

We knew what would happen when we returned to that ultrasound room. But what we didn't know was that you were two.

Identical twins. 

Something he had not noticed before. He was sorry for our loss.

Another week passed and we officially lost you by way of a medical procedure. My body didn't want to know that you were gone. But my heart knew.

I want you to know. That I will always remember you. That you were loved and wanted. That one day I will hold you both in my arms when this life is past. That there will be no more tears.

And that my beloved Father is my comfort. 

He always knows. 
And I trust Him.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bonny, there are no words to comfort the pain from this kind of loss. My heart breaks with you. I send a hug, love, and my prayers.

Amy said...

Such great words to explain all the feelings your instinct and heart knew so well. So sorry about your babies who were too perfect to stay.

Jessica Thomas said...

Bonnie,
I'm sorry for you loss:(

Christine said...

I'm so sad to hear this and what you've gone through. I once heard an illustration of our lives... We're looking at a tapestry (our life) from the bottom side up with all the tangled threads (things that happen in our life) that don't make sense and are ugly, but God is looking from the top side down seeing how beautiful He's making our life with a purpose for everything. It's so hard to know why things happen, but it's all for a reason. I'm praying for you and love you!

GrammaKitty said...

The no more tears day will be the best day ever.

The Charlebois said...

Sean & Bonny, I can't stop the tears from coming. I'm so sorry for your loss and pray for Jesus's comfort and healing. Love,
Audra

Erin said...

Bonny, I'm so sorry you two had to go through this. Chris and I continue to pray for you.

Sarah Prox said...

I'm Sooooo sorry you had to go through that :( it's a comfort to know they are in heaven and that God is in control but still it hurts....really hurts. I'm sorry. Praying for u both.