Death, Saturday and Insanity: Easter Musings

After reading a friend's Instagram post this morning, I find my thoughts continually coming back to what it must have been like to be the disciples and Jesus' followers on this Saturday after His death but before the resurrection. I am so very glad that I live in a time when the Holy Spirit is present to give us discernment and wisdom, and we have the Word of God, with the entire story of redemption, to read and study and understand. 

What was it like when they didn't fully comprehend why Jesus had come and what it all meant? How dark that day must have been! 

Yes, the disciples had heard Him pretty much explain exactly what was going to happen about how He was would have to lay down His life and that He would rise again, blah, blah, blah, but they had no idea what that really meant or entailed. Even after the resurrection, they didn't quite get the purpose for all of it. It's easy to look back on the disciples and feel like they were really dense, but I'm positive that any one of us in their shoes would not have acted differently.

But on that Saturday, what were they thinking? Their Messiah died!! And not only that but He died a horrible, humiliating death only reserved for the worst of criminals. When He was arrested, all the disciples ran away in fear of being associated with Him. Peter denied that he even knew who Jesus was. Not once, but three times.

Death is death. It is so final. It is the end that everyone experiences. In our minds, it is the normal progression of life, even when it's surprising or happens when we think it shouldn't. It still is that way things are. It's the natural way and something we understand to be true.

He was dead! They had seen a few people raised from the dead at Jesus' hand (who, by the way, still died again eventually), but now that Jesus was dead, that amazingness would seem to be pretty much over. 
And how often even now, do we, as believers in Christ, see God do something in our lives or someone else's but then really struggle with having faith the next time the same situation comes up? Anyone? Raising my hand right now. 

That day would have been awful. Horrible. Second worst day ever.

But then the next day. Oh, the next day. 

The disciples believed that Jesus was their Messiah, but He was also God. I'm not sure they comprehended that quite yet. No one rises from the dead. That proved it. God.

I think about how nutso we all must sound to those who do not know the story of Jesus or just don't believe it. We are all like, "yay for Resurrection Sunday!" And non-Christians are like, "ok you crazies." Haha! We totally sound crazy. Jesus sounded crazy. If He wasn't God, then all that stuff He said definitely should have gotten Him sent straight to the loony bin in a straight jacket. Can you imagine if someone today got up and said, "all authority in heaven and earth has been given to me (Matt 28:18)"? We would all run away screaming for help.

But those of you running, just for fun, do a google search of John chapter 18 and read through chapter 20 (search in the ESV-that's a readable version without any thees and thous). Super interesting story that made for a really intense, sad movie. 

What if it actually happened?

Christianity and Alcohol: 5 Reasons Why I Quit Drinking

I've been drunk. Lots of times. I've made horrible decisions while under the influence, and I've also had enlightening conversations about theology and God. I have been a Bible believer in Christ throughout it all, although my commitment to knowing my Lord personally and following His Word has varied during the course of my drinking days.

I don't drink anymore. Honestly, I stopped mainly because I wanted to get pregnant, then I was pregnant, then I was breastfeeding, then I was pregnant again, and the cycle continued. I only recently stopped having any alcohol at all. I have been on all sides of the alcohol argument that goes on in Christian circles. I grew up believing that alcohol itself was sinful and didn't have my first drink until I was 21.

So anything I say here is not meant as a condemnation. Pot. Kettle. In fact this pot is blacker than your kettle, I'm sure.

There are people who I know and love dearly who do choose to partake in alcohol consumption, and while I do not respect them any less, this fact has caused me to reflect on my stance on the matter to a higher degree that I otherwise would. It has taken me a while to write this post and decide to (gasp!) actually click that taunting orange publish button. I love so many dear ones who could potentially be offended by these words, although that is not my intention in any way. But so many of my thoughts of late keep bringing me back to the topic. I have spent a lot of time mulling over why I feel the prick of conscience that I do in relation to drinking when my loved ones perhaps do not. I just want to pose questions that I have asked myself and am still contemplating the answers to. 

So, Church. Christ-lovers. Dearest friends of mine seeking to know Him on this life journey....

Why the choice to drink alcohol [said with sincere curiosity]?

Oh, I hear you. One or two drinks is not a sin. The Bible only mentions drunkenness. Eh. Debatable. True technically, but there are many passages that talk about peeps getting into trouble because of drinking without specifically mentioning where the subject was on the drunkenness scale.

Ok though. Let's assume that one or two is totally fine, which is probably more where I would tend to agree with. But how many people do you know who really only EVER have one or two at a time? Maybe you can name a couple names of the multiple dear folk you know who imbibe. I, honestly, can't think of anyone. And I also know beloved fellow believers who just choose to ignore the admonitions regarding drunkenness completely (me! me! me! until very recently) and partake in a similar manner as the rest of the world. Sorry, ya'll, but if you claim to be a Bible-follower I'm not sure that there is good argument you can put up for justifying that.

So what is your definition of drunk? Feeling a little "tipsy"? Being totally plastered? Slurring your words? Blacking out? Hmmm... I have done all of those things, and, putting aside the legal limits, I would have to say that the beginning of "being drunk" is when you no longer act like you would completely sober. Such as, I-now-feel-empowered-to-talk-about-my-feelings-when-I-wouldn't-before or I-suddenly-feel-the-need-to-be-more-affectionate-than-I-would-before or my-voice-is-suddenly-slightly-louder-and-I-feel-smarter-than-I-did-before or perhaps I am just much more chatty in general. You get the picture. Also "legally drunk" happens way sooner than you think it does, and that is even a worldly standard, Loved Ones.

And I don't know about you but that feeling, that sense of empowerment, is truly the only reason to really drink in the first place. I mean, c'mon, if I wasn't looking for a certain sensation, I would just have water and save myself the calories. Anyone else feelin' me?

Ok, so let's say that you really do just drink one glass of wine with dinner because you like the taste, and none of the above applies to you. But guess what? It does to me and a huge number of other people who could either be: (a.) Christians who aren't as mature in their faith and may be confused by your decisions or (b.) non-Christians who are watching you. And there are verses about causing others to stumble (1 Cor 10:31-33).

So let me tell you the reasons that I chose to quit drinking (and I really do miss it sometimes).

1. My children

Once again about the causing others to stumble thing (Matt 18:6-9). I have no idea what areas of sin my kids are going to have true, deep struggles with. I was reading a blog the other day that said no one ever chooses to become an alcoholic. I'm sure no teenager ever looked at their socially-drinking parents' wine rack and thought, "gee, I am going to sneak one of those bottles tomorrow, and that first sweet taste is going to be the beginning of a life-long love affair where I alienate everyone I have ever known, choose my liquid idol above all else, and die of liver failure at age 53." No one ever plans for that. But it happens. I don't ever want to be a stumbling block to my children. I'm sure I will cause them to question my choices and their own convictions in many other ways of which I will be unaware at the time. I would rather not add to that list by possibly causing stumbling that was obvious to me. 

2. My past decisions

I have made some doozies while under the influence. Never again, thank you. Enough said. If you haven't gone there, good for you. Don't.

3. I see the control that alcohol has 

If I have one glass of wine with dinner and start to feel that wonderful relaxation feeling, I find myself thinking about how I really want another glass. Every. Single. Time. If I choose to give in, after each subsequent glass, that "need" just keeps compounding, and I just keep wanting more (not that I always would, but I sure would kinda want to). Not everyone struggles with this, but I certainly do. Ephesians 5:18 says, "Do not be drunk with wine, wherein is excess [ain't that the truth]; but be filled with the Spirit." And you know what? I really want to be filled with the Spirit. Can I really hear Him and worship Him and praise Him if I am under the influence of something else?

I have thought a lot lately, too, about what it means to feel the Presence of the Lord. Beth Moore provides a good description; "when the Spirit of Christ in me responds to the Spirit of God around me, I sense His Presence." Obviously it's not like I live in a constant state of sensing His Presence in this way, but I believe that I can't recognize it if I am under the influence of a mind-altering substance (the priests of the tabernacle were not allowed to have any wine or fermented drink when they went into the Tent of Meeting [Lev 10:8-10] - I assume for a similar reason). From my experience, when I can hear God and see His Presence in my life in really meaningful ways, it always means that I have been deliberating choosing to obey His Word and cultivate my relationship with Him. And there is nothing in life better than to know the Presence of my God. To be rich in relationship with Him is only perfected by constantly evaluating junk in my life that is preventing me from experiencing the fullness of that intimacy. And for me, alcohol was junk that got trashed, because I want intimacy more.

4. My testimony

I was at a bar once and got to talking with someone who found out I was a Christian. "So you're a Christian who smokes (I used to do that too) and drinks?" Asked with incredulity. I still remember the slight look of disdain. Obviously that is an extreme case. One that you could pass off if you don't go to bars and don't smoke and don't drink in excess. But are you really portraying a strong testimony with the defensive "what?!-the-Bible-doesn't-say-anything-about-having-one-or-two-drinks-so-I-can" argument? Light and salt, People. In John 17:13-21, Jesus, in a prayer specifically for believers (v20), calls us to be separate. We are to be sanctified by the truth and be in the world but not of the world. Beth Moore again (I'm doing a study by her) states, "Sanctification...is about purity - purity maintained in an impure world... What do you deliberately avoid for the sake of purity?" My own conclusion from my conscience (that I have fought with for years) and my continued Bible study tell me that I need to deliberately avoid alcohol. Matt 10:16 says, "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." 

5. The Bible warns about drinking in excess - and I have a problem with wanting to drink in excess (Prov 20:1; Prov 23:20, 29-35). Bottom line. This was one that I really chose to ignore for a long time. I just didn't want to give up the fun that I had when I had drinks with awesome people. Really is nothing else to say about that one.

If you google, "can/should Christians drink," a bizillion things come up - many thoughts from theologians and folks who are much more articulate than I. I have people I am close to on every part of the spectrum as far as thoughts about this topic. It's definitely a hot one. I grew up with a more legalistic view of it, which I don't think is the way to be. But legalism also goes both ways. As a Christian, I can either be legalistic by saying that alcohol is a sin and pointing the finger at others who don't hold that view, or I can be legalistic by getting super offended at all those "alcohol-is-a-sin" sayers and talking about how they are nothing but a bunch of zealots. As believers in Christ, we need to choose to focus on the Gospel and the Love that unites us rather than always picking apart each other over everything that we differ on. 

So why write a post about it? 

Because if there is anything I've learned in my life, it's that if I am struggling with something, there are others struggling with the exact same thing. Those experiences that are "common to man" (1 Cor 10:13). Obviously this post is from my experience only (except for the Scripture part), but if you are struggling with your stance on alcohol as a believer in Christ, I hope you are more clear after reading this. The fact that your conscience is being pricked at all is probably one of the biggest red flags that maybe something needs to change. 

Open your Bible. Study. Don't take my word for it.


UPDATE 5/16/16: I have learned so many things since writing this blog post. When I wrote this, I was coming from a place of frustration, not understanding why those close to me did not have the conviction in this area that I did. I had a life-altering conversation with a lovely, godly friend who I respect very much. I learned through real experience, not just "church talk," that I am not responsible for convicting others and not everyone has the same convictions as I do. It was very freeing. I had become enslaved to alcohol, but not in the traditional way. Instead of thinking about drinking all the time, I was thinking about how everyone else shouldn't be drinking all the time. Here I thought I was all free from this stronghold, but I really had just becoming captive to it in a different way. 

I studied more in Scripture about alcohol and learned that there are actually many instances where wine is mentioned in a positive light. Looking at the whole picture, I have concluded that there is a definite line, and each person must be listening to the Holy Spirit for guidance as to where that line is. I actually still agree with pretty much everything I said above, especially for myself, but I know that much of it comes from a subjective place based on my experience and failings. If you see me have a glass of wine with dinner, it's because I have confidently found that line in my own life by studying God's Word daily and surrendering my thoughts and questions about it to Him. The one big thing that has changed from my original post is I no longer feel the need to continue with another and another. I pray God will always convict me to abstain if the issue at all is a stumbling block for someone else. I thank the Lord for His grace and patience as He taught me and continues to reveal truths about this difficult and culturally complicated subject matter. Only His truth is relevant. 

Open your Bible. Study. Don't take my word for it.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

The End of a Precious Season

Today was my last Bible study in Monterey. We've been doing either weekly or biweekly ones since September 2011. I have grown so much and learned so much that there are not even words to describe the thankfulness I have for this season that God placed me in. 

These women truly taught me how to be a friend. You know the kind who is open and genuine. The kind you know you can go to with your struggles and joys and prayer requests. And you know that you will be prayed for. The kind of women who, after only a few meetings, you just know are kindred spirits. 

We've laughed, cried, hugged, prayed and come along side one another. Our children have gone from babies to little people. All the while we encouraged each other to persevere even when the sleepless nights and tantrums seemed like they would never end. When we felt inadequate or had been hurt, there was always encouragement to be gleaned. God truly showed Himself as we came back week after week to the oasis of fellowship in the midst of the little voices that consume our days. We are safe together.

So many of us have moved on to new seasons as of late. My sweet friend, Joy, introduced a quote that has become the motto for those embarking on new journeys.

“But, as for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,' can truly say to every group of Christian friends 'You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.' The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; by Friendship God opens our eyes to them. They are, like all beauties, derived from Him, and then, in a good Friendship, increased by Him through the Friendship itself, so that it is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing. At this feast it is He who has spread the board and it is He who has chosen the guests. It is He, we may dare to hope, who sometimes does, and always should, preside. Let us not reckon without our Host.” -- CS Lewis

The following moments brought to you by the Monterey Area Christian Mommies Meetup and Bible Study:

And what gems these two pictures are!

Jack's Birth Story

On June 20th at 2:53am, we welcomed our little man, Jack Edward, into the world. The end of this pregnancy was so much different than my experience with Cora. I felt like I was in labor for pretty much the entire last month. I even ended up in L & D before 37 weeks and was placed on a "resting" schedule. When I was full term, I thought for sure I would go into labor right away when I started doing activities normally again. Cora was 2 1/2 weeks early, so I was positive this little guy would be close to that as well. 

Needless to say, the last 3 weeks were L.O.N.G. I had contractions every day, and sometimes they would even get regular and worsen. But then they would just stop and nothing would happen. I kept hearing from everyone that the second one goes so much faster. I was starting to think that I might not even make it to the hospital in time, because I was so used to having contractions that I would end up waiting too long. 

My mother-in-law arrived on June 18th to stay with us for two weeks. We had thought that we would have a baby for sure by then, but by the time she came, I was wondering if she was going to end up being with us for quite some time before anything happened. 

Then at 6:38am on June 19th, I woke up to contractions once again. They were pretty irregular most of the morning, but then started getting more regular and stronger by mid-afternoon. I called Sean to come home from work, and we waited at home for a while before heading to the hospital around 9pm when my contractions were consistently 5 min apart. 

Just to back-story you a little, I live in California... Everyone out here is all about natural birth, and they have these amazing stories about how they all got to the hospital and the baby was born 20 minutes later with the doctor barely getting there on time. When Cora was born, I had an epidural pretty much right away, so I never really felt labor as it progressed. This time I was really hoping to go epidural-free. I knew that part of doing this successfully is to try to labor at home for as long as possible before going in.

Well imagine my disappointment when we arrived and I was only dilated to 4 cm. And my contractions were definitely more painful then I had ever felt before and were 5 minutes apart. They called my OB, and since I had changed a lot from when I saw him in clinic the week before, he told them to admit me. 

We were there during the busiest times that any of the nurses could remember - mine having been there for 25 years. I started out in a storage room with a bed cart in it (those are super uncomfortable if you have never ridden on one), while they hooked me up to the monitors and tried to get an IV. I really wanted to walk, because the laying on my back was making me want to cry. It took them 4 tries over about 45 minutes to get an IV (meanwhile I had to sit on the bed).

After they got the IV in, Sean and I walked the halls for a while. We finally got in a room around 11pm, and my OB said he wanted to break my water to "speed things up." I agreed after the nurse told me I could still walk around after the procedure. Well, unfortunately that did not happen. Jack's heart rate dropped with each contraction (which were now twice as painful as before), so I had to stay in bed so they could monitor him. I felt like a failure, but I was past my breaking point and asked for an epidural. I didn't feel like I could take the pain anymore. 

After my epidural was placed, we waited for it to kick in. But that never happened. I felt like the tops of my legs were getting numb, but I could still feel every contraction just as acutely as before. My nurse had the anesthesiologist come back to reposition it, but as soon as they sat me up, I fell over in the bed with no upper body control. Somehow my epidural had migrated up instead of down, and I was numb up to my armpits. I couldn't put the head of the bed down without having a hard time breathing.

They turned off the epidural completely in order for me to get sensation back (I had received some relief after his reposition attempt thankfully), and in the meantime, I was dilated to a 10 and ready to push. But since I had no abdominal muscle feeling, we had to wait until the medication wore off. Jack was doing well, so my nurse just stayed in the room with me to monitor us while we waited. For an hour. Then another half hour. I still felt a little numb, but my doctor said he wanted me to try.

Prior to pushing, Sean had been reading me verses that I had written on notecards. I pushed for 20 minutes with no change in Jack's position. My doctor said "she's getting tired" to Sean, and I knew that he was thinking about taking me for a c-section. I said I wanted to keep trying, and one of the verses that I had heard over and over was just playing on repeat in my brain. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9a

I just kept praying that God would show His power through my literal weakness. I was still numb. There was no way that I delivered my little boy through my own strength. At 2:53am, after 50 minutes of pushing, he was born. Naturally. WIth no epidural (at least for the parts of my body that actually needed it).

9 pounds, 1 ounce, 21 1/2 inches of sweet, squishy baby.

Sean delivered him and, knowing that when Cora was born I had been sad that they took her away immediately before I got to hold her, he put Jack on my abdomen. I didn't think it could be possible, but right then I loved Sean even more then before. 

Later on that morning, Cora got to meet her new baby brother.

Remember

Today is an official day to remember. But I remember every day.

I thought of you every time I looked in the mirror. It's amazing how much faster the outwards signs show the second time around.

I picked out a shirt for your sister to wear to tell Daddy. It said "Big Sister" in bright pink glitter.

We happily wrote out our top names in sidewalk chalk in the back yard. It doesn't rain often here in the summer, so the names remained for quite a while before we hosed them off prior to having company. We didn't want to give it away. We had a girl name and a boy name ready from that list. We smiled when we spoke of them.

We brought your sister to the ultrasound. We wanted her to be as ready as possible to welcome you.

She wandered happily around the room as the doctor told us he couldn't find a heartbeat. 

He looked me in the eye and said that it could be too early and maybe I had calculated wrong.

But I knew.

I looked at my beloved's pale face and saw.

He knew.

While we were planning and dreaming, you had slipped away quietly to be with Jesus.

We waited a week to be sure. I wondered if my body would figure out that you weren't growing.

We knew what would happen when we returned to that ultrasound room. But what we didn't know was that you were two.

Identical twins. 

Something he had not noticed before. He was sorry for our loss.

Another week passed and we officially lost you by way of a medical procedure. My body didn't want to know that you were gone. But my heart knew.

I want you to know. That I will always remember you. That you were loved and wanted. That one day I will hold you both in my arms when this life is past. That there will be no more tears.

And that my beloved Father is my comfort. 

He always knows. 
And I trust Him.

This Is Not My Home

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...


...We wait eagerly for...the redemption of our bodies. 


For in this hope we are saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently....


...And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose...


...What then shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?! He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also...graciously give us all things? ...Christ Jesus who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword...?


...NO! In all things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Romans 8

Leaving My Comfort Zone

Before we left Chicago, I was inspired by my friend Erin to be more extroverted and get out there more to meet new friends instead of waiting for people to come befriend me, especially since we are basically starting all over in a new place. 


So I started a Christian mom's Meetup group, and we have almost 20 members!! I have already met so many wonderful women. Who knew with church functions and so many other available mom's groups and activities that there would be such a desire for something like this? Who hoo! I am so excited to see where God takes this! I am already so amazed at the results of following Him (seriously totally unlike me to do something like this...). 


We have only had four meetings and the same people didn't even come to each one, but yet I have already participated in and witnessed some really deep conversations about following Christ and parenting to honor Him. It is just wonderful. 


So anywhoo... that's where I have been. :) It's kind of more work than I was anticipating, but I am really enjoying it. 


My little Cora love is just as cute as ever and now 7 months old. Eeekkk!! Where does the time go?! I will post pictures of her and our new adventures in paradise soon. 

Intentional

Do you ever feel like when you get one important part of your life in order, the rest falls into place so much easier? The last couple of weeks I have been feeling blah. I haven't been getting things done around the house like I should, don't play with and talk to Cora as much as I should, and just don't really feel like doing anything. Sometimes a whole day goes by and I can't figure out what I actually did with my time. Instead of reading my Bible in the morning when I get up, I will watch a movie, read a novel, or waste away my time on the internet (blogs, Facebook, etc.).


And my whole life is suffering from it. 


I was looking at pictures of Cora this morning while I was drinking my coffee and eating breakfast. I came across these ones. They were taken almost exactly two months apart... Dec 27th and Feb 28th.

She is getting so big so fast. Every moment counts towards her development as a human being. My job is now her. And I haven't even been taking advantage of it like I should. 


Last night I went to my small group, where we are studying Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. She talks about how your thoughts dictate who you are. You can't have negative (or blah) thoughts and expect to have a positive (fullfilling, stimulating) life. And I have been filling mine with stuff that is in no way uplifting to my life. Stuff that does not matter.


And then the downward spiral effect occurs...


When I let my devotional and prayer life slip and fill that time with other things, I seem to get these feelings of impending doom. Like God couldn't possibly continue to bless me in the amazing ways that He has. Something bad is bound to happen.


I confessed all of these things to the beautiful women at my small group last night. I admitted that I hadn't even wanted to come to our group that evening, because I knew that I needed to tell them all about my struggles and then they were going to keep me accountable (which is the last thing you want when you are consciously choosing to not grow or be productive in your walk with God). 


So after my declaration, I (with their help) decided that my goal for this week would be to deliberately think positively when I just felt like doing nothing. Don't feel like reading your Bible? Too bad! It is a good thing. I will be an uplifting thing. Pray for the Words to reveal things about yourself and make a difference in your day, even if you didn't really "feel" like picking it up in the first place. 


And I assigned myself Prov 15:15 to memorize for the week (regarding above feelings of impending doom). "All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast."


And so of course this morning, I got a text from my lovely friend Erin saying, exactly, "Oowwwee it's a gorgeous day today!! Put on your Armor (Eph 6) and be intentional today." Ha! I knew I was going to be kept accountable...


I love that word... Intentional


I hadn't really been reading anything specific in my sporadic devotions, so I decided to just start with the Today in the Word booklet for March that I had recently received in the mail. 


And this is what I read.


Jer 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek me with all your heart."


What a promise!


Now I leave you with a song that encouraged me this morning. I have to go play with my baby.